My house is perpetually messy. There are always too many pairs of shoes in the closet (or on the floor outside the closet). Coats are hung on the backs on chairs or the slung onto doors. My walls are filled with framed art from trio’s school years. There are photos tacked onto a big section of the wall of kids with marker on their faces, drips on their shirts, and smile-less mouths. The sink often has baking utensils ‘soaking’ until I get around to washing them.
But! We also have a calendar on the fridge with the week mapped out – lunches, after school activities, my work schedule, dinner responsibilities, and due dates. I will forget things if I don’t write them down. There’s another full month calendar tacked to the wall with a different set of information for the month – birthdays, sleepovers, who fed the dog that day, chore lists, and weekend plans. I have a personal agenda for my items that don’t involve trio. And finally, a white board for daily lists, notes, and reminders to communicate among all of us.
It is a tough thing, developmentally speaking, to hold onto two opposing sensations: it’s typically an either-or mindset. I am both organized and woefully chaotic at any given time. Many of us have experienced being happy and sad at the same time, or feeling anxious during peaceful moments. We seek to tip the scales into one ‘bucket’ to help us make better sense of our environment – and ourselves. How can I define myself if I’m two opposite things? What category can I fit into if I’m two (or more) of the options?
A recent learning for me has been to recognize those dichotomous feelings – just naming it helps bring it into the light – and letting them both be. Be true in that moment. Be true at the same time. Be not true at the same time. There is a reluctance to allow space for contrast, as though one of them must be “bad” and therefore undesirable. But remove that label on these feelings and let them be just even for a moment to recognize them.
I walked doggo around the neighbourhood tonight. It was cool outside, and breezy and he was staying by my side so nicely. And I had an unexpected knot of anxiety suddenly roil in my belly. Huh?
I thought I felt relaxed.
This was a moment to practice that it’s fiiiiine to feel both anxious and calm, without judging or nitpicking the feelings. Just “yep, this is what I feel right now.” Just embracing it and then letting it go.
Eldest made a funny comment the other day and referenced Schrodinger’s cat – so many layers on why it was funny – but I really appreciated that he seems to ‘get’ that it’s possible to gently hold onto opposition.
Coming up our front porch after walking the dog and just before the front door opens, our house is both organized and chaotic at the same time, we just allow that truth to be, until we take a step in and see it for what it is:
A house full of family and all the contrast that means.