Every little thing…

So, this just happened.

20170426_112538

I just wanted to share out loud that this is another repair job in an ongoing list of things that I need to take care of. Door knobs. Wood working school projects (with woefully under-supplied power tools). Dishwasher shelf wheel-thingys. Suctionless vacuums. I am the One responsible.

There are people who do home repairs as a profession, and yet I know I won’t call anyone.

I’m strangely compelled to try and tackle things on my own. There is a cost factor, absolutely. There’s also a stubborn streak, to prove I can do things myself. There’s a learning piece, to expose trio to household repairs. There’s a feminist component wrapped up in here too, that a woman can handle what comes up too.

Plumbing work is brand new to me, so I’m kind of excited and intimidated about this job.

Underpinning all of the above is the sense that we need to be our own cheerleaders. Our own motivators. Our own source of strength. We rely on ourselves first, and then reach out second.

I’ll give this a try, and then if things go horribly wrong, at least I’ll have learned a little something.

Thanks for listening and letting me share this. I feel more capable after saying this out loud.

xo
Mto3

Advertisements

Back to a little-better-than normal

After our painstaking weekend ended in a pukey kid, today was brighter. Better than, I’d say. 

I’m not quick to apologize when I’m wrong (although I am totally trying), but I will talk about events and situations and get feedback and try to do things differently next time. 

At different times today, I touched in with the kids about the weekend and how I was feeling and how I feel different today. Is that the right approach? Is this the best choice? I don’t know. I felt it was: we all have different motivators that come into play when we react. I guess I wanted trio to know it can shape a behaviour, but doesn’t necessarily define our whole self.

Trio will make choices in their lives where, I’m sure, it will feel that will shape their sense of self. Maybe positively. Maybe negatively. In either way, their next choice needn’t be dependent on that perception of self. Talking about it lets them know that they can be aware of what’s going on inside them, make changes, and make choices next time.

Is it that I’m seeing things differently today? Noticing that my biggest boy is proactively helping and anticipating what might happen next? Acknowledging how helpful it is when lil miss asks what the evening plans are before rushing out to play? Appreciating that my younger boy tells me about upcoming homework needs or things he needs my help with? Whether they’re always like this, and I just missed it over the weekend; or that the weekend helped them make different choices today; or some other unknown variable… I’m grateful.  

Xo 

A little sick and tired…

In many ways I consider myself an ‘experienced’ mum – multiple kids, wrangling on my own, a mix of boys and girls, a chaotic combination of abilities and personalities… In other ways I know that I’m learning every single day – and some days the lesson is harsh.

Last night, Lil Miss didn’t want to eat dinner – her stomach was uncomfortable. She had been at a friends for the bulk of the day on Saturday, played hard outside all morning on Sunday, and trio and I went out in the afternoon. The boys were saying that my homemade ham-and-bean soup was good (better than my typical ham chowder), and the fresh buns I made were so good with the cheese and chive egg-wash. She turned up her nose and said she didn’t like it, and frequently wandered away from the table during dinner.

I’m not going to lie: the day had been rather frustrating. I was feeling short tempered and easily aggravated, and overwhelmed, and that everything is my fault – the messy yard, the cluttered garage, that we didn’t get to take pup to the park again, that I needed to go to the grocery store… *and* the to-do list was full of Spring Cleaning chores. Trio just wanted to play video games, watch The Flash and chat with their friends. But they’re all quick enough to complain that we “ran out” of Nutella. Or that they can’t unearth their skateboard from the garage pile. Or their sweatshirts don’t fit anymore. Or irritated because the van door isn’t opening. I’m the One who has to deal with it all.

Usually riding over these reactions is easy for me. I can understand and sympathize and rally the troops in a way that meets all our goals. This weekend I could not. I was sick and tired of being the One. She who will cook. Clean. Rally. Encourage. Mediate. Remind. Be patient. Coax. Shop. Remember *everything.*

I just didn’t have it in me this weekend.

So when Lil Miss refused my cheap-o Dinner-on-a-Dime, I had little wiggle room in me to cajole or insist or seek to understand. My heart was playing the tape that I’m not good enough to do it all. And is she objecting because our dinner wasn’t the usual roast & potatoes – it’s a close-to-the-poverty-line week for me, and my fear of making a bad career choice echoed in her refusal. I vaguely wondered how this might be better if I had a partner to help in these moments. My mind and heart was full of my own feelings and deficiencies and concerns and fears. I knew I was actively missing an opportunity to connect with her, but… well. I didn’t want to. I felt wrung out.
I managed not to yell (as I had already done that a few times in the last day or two), but just told her she could eat her dinner or leave the table for her room if she was that sick.

Ugh. I know.

She didn’t want to leave the table, she wanted to be around her family, and had no other ways to tell me that she was feeling ill. She reluctantly had a bite of delicious soup and promptly threw up all over the table – looking startled and unsure. My poor middle son nearly followed suit until I managed to encourage her to dash to the bathroom. I divided my time between cleaning up her mess, and comforting her in the bathroom. Pup certainly helped with cleaning the floor (ohmygawsh, it’s so gross when he does it, and yet so helpful too – totally mixed reaction from me!).

In the moments before she was sick, I could see she looked pale. I could see this was unusual behaviour from her. I knew there was another reaction I could choose, and yet I didn’t. She sweetly thanked me for taking care of her, and told me that I was right – that she was sick and should have been in her room.

She remained flat out on the couch, and after the 3rd time dashing up the hall, I gave her a pot to keep beside her. The boys and I tidied, and put out the garbage, and we all chilled on the couch watching The Flash until bedtime. My oldest and I enjoy Sunday Night tv together: typically The Walking Dead, but the season finale was last week. He really wanted to watch another program with me, and shoo his sister upstairs, but she was still so pukey, I couldn’t leave her be. He and I will watch it tonight.

I realized that I might have experience parenting small children, and I’m familiar with what that might feel like inside of me, as a mum and a person. I made space for their emotional development and needs in an easy way that didn’t trip many of my tapes or emotions. It’s harder, I’m finding, to parent teens and tweens – they look and sound like older people, and yet their emotions and insides are more similar to children. They are capable of judgement and derision and haughty stares in a way that is totally expected and normal for their development – and yet, creates strong reactions in me! I know they don’t have the life experience or the emotional maturity to understand how that might impact others. When I choose to connect and strive to understand and try to climb out of my own spiral, I find we navigate these challenges better together.

The tough lesson for me this weekend is to still trust my gut instinct – a blip is just that, and not a harbinger of a New World Order. Hm, and to trust that trio are still the same people as when they were smaller – loving, happy, zany, independent – but are also trying to figure out who else they can be.

We’re all trying to figure things out together.

 

xo

Mto3

March Break Mayhem and Completed Contracts

It’s been super busy here the last few months. Normally I work several work-from-home part time contracts where I have flexibility and autonomy, but I happily took a full-time contract for 3 months in a corporate setting (all day adult interaction! amazing!). And phewf. It was a difference!

About 8 years ago, when trio were very small, I assuaged my single-parent financial anxiety by going back to school and getting a full time position straight-away. This meant my wee-three were in daycare and after school programs, I was run ragged, and my house devolved into a border-line disaster. My anxieties around scarcity were reduced (during this time I packed my freezer and pantry and house-hold items that could rival Costco’s warehouse!) but our day-to-day was us just getting by.

When there was a management change at my not-for-profit and I was let go, I thought my world was ending. What began as a temporary fill has led to opportunities and growth that I don’t think I would have been able to explore had I remained in a full time position. And as I usually work from home, my recent absence after school (and before school) has really allowed trio to stretch their independence, and encouraged me to rest on family and friends more than I usually do.

march-break.png.png
Oldest & youngest

Being outside the house so much was great, and being back in the home has been amazing. It feels as though we’re getting to know each other … maybe what I feel is that we’ve all grown over the last few months and we’re wiggling ourselves into a new fit. My oldest is seeking out the basement office-space for his own. We’re talking about finishing the basement (uhm – something none of us have much experience!) and as I type, he and his brother are working at bringing down his side of their previously-shared bedroom; after they load the dishwasher. My wee girl and I sorted through her bedroom disaster and repurposed a shelving unit from our previous-office-space into her room. Whoa. Her space finally feels there is an organized way – books, toys, stuffies: they have a home now. And even though I still lose my cool on occasion (urgh, it really bothers me when they yell and fight and nitpick each other), most things we meet with humour and patience.

Finally my ex-husband-of-10-years is off our cable bill (they wouldn’t allow me to make ANY changes to our package without him…grr) and I made a decision to switch to a new provider. Look at me making household decisions by myself. But that means we’re without tv and internet for a solid week. Oops! It has led to a different March Break than trio were likely expecting. We’ve spent a lot of time at the library enjoying their wifi. A lot of time sorting and decluttering, and renting movies and tv series (Veronica Mars! woot woot!).

internetting.png
Li’l Miss enjoying wifi

A day of warm fuzzies

It turns out I like Valentines Day. 

Yes, I’m one of *those* people… 

While it could be considered gimmicky or some attempt at something, I say whoa. I used to buy trio board books about love, now I buy them books I know they’ll love. 

Cookies, cupcakes, breakfast for dinner, hanging out, being lovey – Valentines is a day when we can do that with abandon.

Squeeze your people. Love yourself. Have a treat. Be nice to strangers. Watch a rom-com or a full out romance. Read a book. Have a bath. Have another glass of wine.

Enjoy yours! ❤

The last few weeks have been very … enlightening for me. Maybe because of how I’m interpreting the end of my recent relationship. Maybe because of the things I learned about myself while I was with him. Maybe because of my meditation and yoga practice. Maybe because of the amazing people around me.

Maybe because of all of it and I have my eyes and heart open in a new way.

Usually my paid work is inside my house – coaching, remote administration work, training prep – and I am so grateful for the flexibility to be able to be present for trio, my doggo, and the self-direction. And gawsh, it can be quiet and lonely and I can easily get sidetracked with my long-range projects.

I have the amazing opportunity to work in a temporary position for a little while outside the house. With people! Lots of people! Projects with definitive finish lines! Using excel (I LOVE excel!) and chatting with people in short bursts. I can even wear jeans most days. How perfect is this!

The gratitude I feel is over-fulling.

The shift into new routines has been mostly smooth – trio has to pull up the slack, and they’ve tried to do so amazingly. I’m grateful that they’re resilient, open hearted, and communicative with their needs. I love our after dinner KP time: messing around in the kitchen, tidying up and prepping the next day while listening to music. Any combination of kids usually ends up in the living room – last night they were doing these weird throwing jumps, so funny! They will often absent themselves at different points and snuggle with Loki.

My neighbours and friends have been so supportive – helping bring the kids home from school, and offering up whatever. It’s so uplifting.

Being at a job where I feel competent, successful, capable … where I’m a person first … where I can stretch and gain comfort at being authentically and wholeheartedly me … it’s been so opening for me. I’m sure I’m making mistakes, and I know I’ve said things that I’m embarrassed about – and I’m still standing. People still talk to me. My life hasn’t fallen to ruins. I walk on.

This work experience has given me a rather safe platform to practice my recent learnings:

  • To be grateful
  • To not make assumptions
  • To be compassionate (with myself and others)
  • To lean into uncomfortable feelings
  • To be aware

Working in an temporary environment allows me more freedom than I would have guessed – I like to feel good at whatever job I do, but there is an awareness that I’m not desperate for this work. So while I strive to do my best, and be a considerate colleague, there’s no stress to try and do and be a certain way.

There’s something to be said about embracing impermanence. Extending that sense, that freedom, into other areas of my life might be interesting.

xo Mto3

First Day of Gratitude – connectedness

The magic of the season isn’t found in whether or not I baked my own cinnamon buns from scratch (I didn’t this year 😮) or if my house has smelled of pine for the last 3 weeks (it hasn’t!). 

The magic is in connecting with others. Being with friends and family, buying coffee for the person behind you, sharing smiles with strangers, and coming together in community. 

We’re all trying to figure things out. It’s messy and confusing and even when we think we’ve got it, we find new corners to grow and discover. That’s amazing! 

Uncovering areas where we can stretch our compassion for ourselves and others, seeing that we can offer a hand to hold without losing ourselves (or losing ourselves and then finding more of ourselves), and feeling our way alone, and with others – even if it doesn’t feel like forward movement. 

I’m grateful for my community. There are people around me who don’t even know that I think of them, but they’re in my heart and thoughts. I’m sure that there are people who think of me that I’m not aware of too. There are connections to be had, fleeting sometimes – sure. But seek them out. Having people around us helps us grow, helps us find our own stability, and maybe provides something to a next group of people that we don’t even know about. 

Warmest wishes during this time, and always. 

xo Mto3 

(We’re connected now too- that’s amazing!)