Back to a little-better-than normal

After our painstaking weekend ended in a pukey kid, today was brighter. Better than, I’d say. 

I’m not quick to apologize when I’m wrong (although I am totally trying), but I will talk about events and situations and get feedback and try to do things differently next time. 

At different times today, I touched in with the kids about the weekend and how I was feeling and how I feel different today. Is that the right approach? Is this the best choice? I don’t know. I felt it was: we all have different motivators that come into play when we react. I guess I wanted trio to know it can shape a behaviour, but doesn’t necessarily define our whole self.

Trio will make choices in their lives where, I’m sure, it will feel that will shape their sense of self. Maybe positively. Maybe negatively. In either way, their next choice needn’t be dependent on that perception of self. Talking about it lets them know that they can be aware of what’s going on inside them, make changes, and make choices next time.

Is it that I’m seeing things differently today? Noticing that my biggest boy is proactively helping and anticipating what might happen next? Acknowledging how helpful it is when lil miss asks what the evening plans are before rushing out to play? Appreciating that my younger boy tells me about upcoming homework needs or things he needs my help with? Whether they’re always like this, and I just missed it over the weekend; or that the weekend helped them make different choices today; or some other unknown variable… I’m grateful.  

Xo 

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The last few weeks have been very … enlightening for me. Maybe because of how I’m interpreting the end of my recent relationship. Maybe because of the things I learned about myself while I was with him. Maybe because of my meditation and yoga practice. Maybe because of the amazing people around me.

Maybe because of all of it and I have my eyes and heart open in a new way.

Usually my paid work is inside my house – coaching, remote administration work, training prep – and I am so grateful for the flexibility to be able to be present for trio, my doggo, and the self-direction. And gawsh, it can be quiet and lonely and I can easily get sidetracked with my long-range projects.

I have the amazing opportunity to work in a temporary position for a little while outside the house. With people! Lots of people! Projects with definitive finish lines! Using excel (I LOVE excel!) and chatting with people in short bursts. I can even wear jeans most days. How perfect is this!

The gratitude I feel is over-fulling.

The shift into new routines has been mostly smooth – trio has to pull up the slack, and they’ve tried to do so amazingly. I’m grateful that they’re resilient, open hearted, and communicative with their needs. I love our after dinner KP time: messing around in the kitchen, tidying up and prepping the next day while listening to music. Any combination of kids usually ends up in the living room – last night they were doing these weird throwing jumps, so funny! They will often absent themselves at different points and snuggle with Loki.

My neighbours and friends have been so supportive – helping bring the kids home from school, and offering up whatever. It’s so uplifting.

Being at a job where I feel competent, successful, capable … where I’m a person first … where I can stretch and gain comfort at being authentically and wholeheartedly me … it’s been so opening for me. I’m sure I’m making mistakes, and I know I’ve said things that I’m embarrassed about – and I’m still standing. People still talk to me. My life hasn’t fallen to ruins. I walk on.

This work experience has given me a rather safe platform to practice my recent learnings:

  • To be grateful
  • To not make assumptions
  • To be compassionate (with myself and others)
  • To lean into uncomfortable feelings
  • To be aware

Working in an temporary environment allows me more freedom than I would have guessed – I like to feel good at whatever job I do, but there is an awareness that I’m not desperate for this work. So while I strive to do my best, and be a considerate colleague, there’s no stress to try and do and be a certain way.

There’s something to be said about embracing impermanence. Extending that sense, that freedom, into other areas of my life might be interesting.

xo Mto3

First Day of Gratitude – connectedness

The magic of the season isn’t found in whether or not I baked my own cinnamon buns from scratch (I didn’t this year 😮) or if my house has smelled of pine for the last 3 weeks (it hasn’t!). 

The magic is in connecting with others. Being with friends and family, buying coffee for the person behind you, sharing smiles with strangers, and coming together in community. 

We’re all trying to figure things out. It’s messy and confusing and even when we think we’ve got it, we find new corners to grow and discover. That’s amazing! 

Uncovering areas where we can stretch our compassion for ourselves and others, seeing that we can offer a hand to hold without losing ourselves (or losing ourselves and then finding more of ourselves), and feeling our way alone, and with others – even if it doesn’t feel like forward movement. 

I’m grateful for my community. There are people around me who don’t even know that I think of them, but they’re in my heart and thoughts. I’m sure that there are people who think of me that I’m not aware of too. There are connections to be had, fleeting sometimes – sure. But seek them out. Having people around us helps us grow, helps us find our own stability, and maybe provides something to a next group of people that we don’t even know about. 

Warmest wishes during this time, and always. 

xo Mto3 

(We’re connected now too- that’s amazing!)

Second Day of Gratitude – Joy & laughter 

There is so much information about all the great things that happen inside us when we laugh. It’s amazing to realize that days will go by without me having a great laugh. I’ll laugh,  almost every day – but I’m talking about those crazy belly laughs. 

Reliably, the good, contagious, oh-great-now-everything-is-funny laughs are with my sisters. It’s a very neat mix of deep comfort, shared memories, understanding of each others’ funny bone, and the desire to make the others laugh that leads us to giggle and snicker so much when we’re together. It’s that magical combination that keeps happy tears ruining our make up. 

To try and retell the hilarity never works. There really is a bit of magic in the moment.

I hesitated to write laughter as what I’m grateful for today. But that’s what keeps coming up for me as I reflect on today. The night ended with my sister and I laughing for at least an hour, after having frequent bursts of giggles and funnies throughout the evening. 

I’m so grateful that there’s such joy in people. And that we can reveal it to each other when we connect. 

xo Mto3 

Third Day of Gratitude – mentors

There are people whose path dovetails and runs parallel to yours. We meet them all the time, and sometimes the paths split and reconnect several times, other times never to meet again. We carry these people in our spirit and they help ‘create the fabric of our character’ as we walk alongside each other in our respective paths. 

I can think of several people who have helped shaped me but our paths no longer seem to run together, and a few who still have their path close to mine. 

Today I am grateful to my mentor (my label choice) for her ability to articulate and offer a deeper way of looking at a situation. She speaks with authenticity, openness, curiosity, and is respectful and direct. We can discuss and explore big ideas and deep feelings, and shed light into the corners of ourselves that we may be reluctant to plumb. Haha – this is balanced by our ability to also chat about what belongs in recycling vs compost. 

I’m so grateful that our paths crossed and have continued to run close to each other. No matter how our paths might diverge, I forever carry her in my heart knowing that I have been shaped and am a more wholehearted person for having known her. 

xo Mto3 

Fourth Day of Gratitude – Solstice

It’s the first day of Winter, and yet all I can think of is that it’s the beginning of lengthening days and a return to summer and sunshine. Even though nature is still hibernating, quietly in the background nature is beginning to cycle back into growth and renewal. 

Some of that energy seeps into my spirit and refreshes me. There’s something bigger than me that has its own pulse, and it’s amazing to be aware of that and to feel it.

Tonight I’m grateful that I was part of a community that came together to acknowledge and celebrate that bigger thing we’re all in. 

Fifth Day of Gratitude – 

Writing these days of gratitude, I’m aware of things I’m grateful for *all day.*

My daughter’s spunky personality. The warm hug my oldest gave me. The forgiveness from my neighbour when I forgot to pick up her son from school. My book club for reminding me that it’s ok to make mistakes (uhm… who forgets a child at school??). The chatty connection  with at young staff member at the toy store. The waiter at the restaurant. Strangers who share an emotional moment. Making my sisters laugh.

I forgot how much we notice when we shift our awareness – when we seek positives, we see positives. There’s always time to raise our eyes and look at the good which surrounds us, especially when we aren’t feeling so ‘good’ inside. 

It’s only been two days, and yet my heart is lifting. I also realized that *this* is christmas spirit. It’s not baking cookies, or finding a great gift, or even spending time with people. It’s carrying lovingkindness and finding lovingkindness in everyday moments. 

There’s no one “thing” for which I’m grateful today. I’m grateful that there are SO many amazing things out there to be seen: to generate a shift into a more open and macro view, and to spread the amazing things around to others. 

xo Mto3