Navigating dating like a ropes course

Maybe you remember that dating and getting to know someone is new for me. My whole world can easily be seen in the eyes of trio, and there aren’t any men reflected there (for better or worse… and it is what it is).

So maybe you also know that there *has* been a man recently who has shaken me up and shown me that it’s okay to date and enjoy being out with a man who opens doors for me, who is interested in experiencing new things together, and can talk about everything and anything with warmth and kindness.

Recently, he and I were joking around, but the concept of something he said really stuck: that it can take a long time (like, a couple of years!) to find all the corners in another person and decide if it all can truly be embraced and loved.

Whaaat?

Does everyone else know this but me?

*That* is what dating means?? That we’re setting out with the intention to find all the icky bits and the lovely bits and the hard bits and the soft bits, and to see how they all mesh with mine? And probably, to find some of my own bits inside that I didn’t realize were there too. This is a concept WAY more grasp-able at 39 than it would have been at 19.

As a visual person, I imagined a ropes course. A very long course with varying degrees of challenges. In dating, we go through this sort of together; checking to see how we enjoy each other, how we handle the tough spots, how we communicate and celebrate the successes, but also to learn about when we want to go it alone and when we want support, and how to be okay with all of that. We can see each other no matter where we both are – do we encourage or get frustrated? Do we wait for each other or is it a race?

SONY DSC
Little Cove, Tobermory

This shift was quite profound in the way I consider dating. It relaxed me. It allowed me to see a larger picture. For him and I, it’s not a race. We *want* to experience the full course and learn as much as possible about each other. We want to see how we each deal and communicate and to see how we grow as individuals.

There’s a definite ending to the course, when we can go into the chalet and enjoy a hot bevvy and maybe a dip in a hot tub together – but we can also tap out at any time and feel richer because of our time together, and realize we know more about ourselves and the world around us than we did before.

How magical is that?!

 

Advertisements

Reblogged: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

This is an amazing post – the discussion (and metaphor! It’s a metaphor!) about what sometimes happens in a marriage and why they go south. Great piece with an opportunity to do a little self-reflection and digging.

(And my Humanist side feels that it’s not just always he who leaves the dishes… sometimes it is she. But again- metaphor.)

Source: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

Thanks Matt!

 

(ps. if you can wade through the comments, please do so: you might find there is some hilarity, some gems, and some ridiculousness)

 

xo

I spy fun and laughs

It can be tough to keep younger people occupied during boring/waiting activities. Li’l Miss often has a difficult time during these moments, and it’s not always feasible for us to leave to prevent escalating behaviours – and I don’t want to be redirecting her endlessly until we’re out of a sticky situation.

“I spy” it is. Needs no equipment. Can readily be tailored to wherever we are. Could be easy (colours, shapes) or hard (first letters, en francais).

We pulled out this boredom-buster technique on the weekend while we were on the train.

Her: I spy with my little eye, something that iiiiis … red!
(We opted for easy this day because we became distracted during the harder spies)
Me: Um, is it that lady’s coat?
Her: Nope! (innocent head shake) Guess again!
Me: How about your brother’s shoes?
Her: No! Guess again!
Me: That sign on the wall?
Her: Nope! You’ll never guess it. It’s hard because you can’t see it!
Me: Um – that doesn’t sound fair! I need a hint.
Her: It’s on you!
Me: …I don’t have any red on… (I was wearing nearly all black) Um, is it my evil beady eyes?
Her: Nope! Give up?
Me: Yes. What did you spy? (NB: I don’t really have red, evil, beady eyes)

Her: YOUR PIMPLES!! (Full train. Yep.)

 

 

We played a few more rounds, but I eventually had to end it when another of her “spies” was on me again.

Gray hair dont care
Photo for reference

What did she spy with her little, evil, beady eye? Something white. Guess what it was.

 

 

Yep. My white granny hair.

…happy new year!

Goals! Not resolutions.

An item I’ve forever been trying to cross off my mental list is “Become Organized.” I frequently have a variation of this concept on a list* that rolls into the next, or I just abandon it altogether.

most clutter   more clutter

Is this a behaviour or a personality trait?

Li’l Miss asked me the other night about changing her personality so kids at school might like her better (peer relationships can be tough for her) and we began chatting about what that means (following this thread for a moment: I don’t want her to ever think subjugating her own sense of self for the perceived opinions of others is ok. We also chatted about that). And while I made it seem perfectly clear to her, I ruminated a bit about it after we said goodnight.

My personality might drive my behaviours, and my personality might be driven by my experiences (experiences derived from my behaviours?) … I don’t want to overthink it, but they all seem very closely related so I’m not surprised she had questions.

However! It is true that I can be quite cluttered, and have a tendency to be fairly pack-rat-ish: due to some past experience affecting my personality and/or behaviours, it doesn’t actually matter why or how I got this way because…

My choice now is: Let it go, or go love it.

aaaand I don’t love it. I feel all this *stuff* pressing in on me and I don’t think it’s good for my insides, for my kids to see, nor for cleanliness.

cluttery   clutter

So I will let it go. This is a goal I have for this winter. (shh shh little voice that pipes up inside my head that says “But what if we need that old wooden board? What if someone, anyone, asks us for the old black gown that I will *never* fit in again?” so shh little voice. I will give you a hug and tell you it’s all ok. We’ll figure it out if that happens.)

Yay! This is so exciting! So liberating!

 

 

*or several – I guess my lists are no better organized than my junk drawer… huh? Organized people don’t have junk drawers?! Okay, then.